Embarrassing confession of my secret fear: I’ve been afraid of using color in my art for many years.

If you look around this site you will see paintings in full color.
And now you know each one required me to crawl up a mountain of fear and doubt before it came into being.

Everyone Has Fear

Growing up I wasn’t taught how to work with my fears. Only that I shouldn’t have any.
Especially one as ridiculous as using color in my art.

Got a secret for you. (And younger me.)
We all have fears.
Some are perfectly rational (my fear of stepping into traffic keeps me alive), and some are irrational (my secret fear of color…what??! How am I afraid of color??? Does not compute!)
Both are fears, and both affect my choices.

Exhibit A – Monochromatic (one color) work comes much more easily to me

Deciding unilaterally that we don’t have fear is unhelpful.

Have you tried to scold yourself for being afraid of something? 
Or tell yourself “it doesn’t matter,” or “I’m not really afraid of something so silly”?

Did that work?

I’m willing to bet it didn’t.
I sure as hell have tried to deny my fear, or ignore it.
Fear doesn’t work that way. 

I suppose you could push through. You could force yourself to do The Thing. 
That will probably work, and you will pay a price for it.
You will be less you. (And in my opinion, the best thing you could be is yourself.)

The alternative is to recognize that yes, you have fears. 

You, a grown ass adult.
You, who do adult things every day. 
You, who other people rely on. 
Yep, you have fears. 

That’s ok. 

You’re a human being, not a machine.

Working With Fear

Your fears are trying to keep you safe, even if they’re sometimes mis-guided.
Recognize their effort.

Much more helpful than denial is accepting we have fears, naming them, being curious about them, and being gentle with them (and ourselves).

I hoped if I took that advice, the fear would just go away. 
I have learned it does not. 
Maybe it fades eventually. But it’s there every single time for me.

The Courage To Try

Did you know the definition of courage is feeling afraid and doing the thing anyway?

When I was young I thought brave people didn’t feel fear, they just did Things. But no, brave people feel the fear, hold the fear, and do the Thing anyway.

I’ve been trying this more often recently: holding the fear and doing the thing at the same time.
Sometimes I have to do it in small steps.
Sometimes I need someone else to reassure me that I’m doing ok.

And guess what? It gets easier every time. 

I did it with drawing like Michelangelo.
That was a scary prospect. Man, the imposter syndrome I had to hold!

Notice the monochromatic drawings? I was holding enough imposter syndrome for this project; I didn’t need hold more fear by adding multiple colors.

I’m doing it again with learning Procreate.
I still have my fears, and I’m doing it anyway.

Procreate makes it WAY easier to add colour to my work!

And I feel fear everyday that I’m running my own business.
You want to talk about terror? Running Jellyfish & Stone is one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever done!

And I’m doing it, with all my fears present and accounted for.
Sometimes they get rowdy in the back seat.
Then I have to pause and remind myself that I’m in the driver seat. 
And that I want to try.

If this is something I can learn, you can too.

Is there something you’ve been putting off because of fear?
Is there a small step you can take in its direction? Small steps count.

Let me know what that small step could be in the comments.